I am torn. Torn right down the middle of my conscience. Two halves fighting for dominance much like the devil and the angel on either shoulder.
One wants to take an easy path out and live the life as it was, a bit open, a bit suppressed, a bit happy, a bit sad. Things go back to normal and I die a little more inside everyday. It's the easy path. Turning a blind eye to many things at home and outside, procrastinating decisions and issues for a later date hoping it will go away by itself and that I wont have to deal with it myself. Perhaps the hope that things would work out for the good if only given more time and a bit more delay. Distracting myself by this and that, the whimsical phantasies to alleviate the deep void inside. Putting on a smile because I am expected to. Not showing sorrow or pain, because I am expected to. Socialising and attending family functions, because I am expected to. All the while putting on the facade of a happy guy. Travelling, baking, sleeping, movies, binge watching on shows... anything.... just to not be able to think of things I do not want to tackle right now. Maybe it's my weakness, maybe it's how it is.... maybe.... it's normal.
And the other half screaming out, take a stand. Do what you believe in, even if it is not the popular decision. Accept the repercussions of the same. To go against all that has been expected from me till now. Against the aspirations other people created for me. Forge my own path. And do it with the thought that you are doing what you believe is right. It may not be the easy way out. It may not be as stable. It may not pan out as you expected it. But it was your decision. You can sleep peacefully at night knowing you took a stand. Knowing you chose your own path and not the one laid down for you. Knowing that things would get ugly before it gets better (if ever). To be my own boss.
It's a decision that needs to be made. And made now. Yet I am in the doldrums. No winds of courages to push me one way or the other. This unending limbo driving me crazy with no deliverance in sight. The cowardice to chose the easy path and the courage to forge the new one equally balanced.... or equally missing. What is the right path? The right decision? Is there a right decision or only a decision?
Que sera sera.....what will be, will be.
